Assessing the Fear

Day 203…

A beloved teacher and friend taught me a trick. 

Whenever you are hunger, angry, lonely, or tired…stop.  Don’t make any big decisions.  Be careful of reactions.  And my generalized feelings of anxiety or fear are  easier to address if I see them as just being hungry or angry or lonely or tired.

I used to skip breakfast in order to get to my classroom early.  Then I had a sinking feeling around 10:30.  Not so good as the teacher of small children.  After I retired, having more time for breakfast, my sinking feeling  comes about 3:00.  Not a problem.  Snack time!

  Anger was not so easy.  Ladies aren’t supposed to get angry.  So I seeth.  And pout.  And look for less honest ways to address the feeling.  Then of course I live in fear of losing control and erupting.  This is probably where writing helps me the most.  I can put much of the anger on the page and release the stuffed feeling.

Lonely.  A tricky word because my fear of people was so tangled up.  The easiest thing to do was pull away.  But then I would get lonely.  What is my fear?  Could I find ways to be with people without feeling drained?  Am I too intense?  What do I think they want from me?  Is this all in my head?  Aren’t these just more stuffed feelings?  Again I turn to the page and make friends with myself.  Which then makes it easier to make friends with others.

Tired.  Yesterday after I visited a third grade classroom and two high school math classes, I was tired.  When I got home I picked up a book, but couldn’t stay with it.  The teachers and children I had been with earlier were still playing in my head.  So I shut the book, turned off the light, and let the interactions of the day be my bedtime story.

I have known this acronym for years now.  It’s more than a clever trick.  It is a structure I use to become a better me. 

Writing topic:   Halt

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