Posts Tagged ‘letting go’

Letting Go

Day 365..

Writing topic:


Assessing the Blog

Day 363…

Yesterday I once again spend the morning…a good four hours…in my writing room.  I fill pages in my journal, I write notes to myself on a nearby pad, and I read.  One of my writing teachers, Sean Murphy, calls this velcroing myself to the chair.

This morning I want to do it again.  I’m not sure why.  I uncover at least as many questions as answers.  Enough to scare me off in the past, but for now that seems to be what I want.  Maybe it’s this new found interest in my muse,  my intuition.

I wonder why I am ready to let go of this blog.  To see what else will fill this time?  To go deeper into my own writing?  To allow possible writing projects to become clearer?  I’m not sure, and I want to find out.

Writing this blog every day for a year has been a good experience.  I know that on many levels.  But if I give the experience some distance, what else can I learn?

I have been practicing commitment…sticking to a project or idea, even when I am not sure what I hope to gain from it.   Opening to the possibilities, to something more than I can imagine.  And I want more of that.

Writing topic:  More than I can imagine

OK, Muse, You’ve Got My Attention

Day 362…

Ah, yesterday the entire morning is spent in my writing room.  Allowing my muse to have her way with me.  I’m not avoiding her with busy-ness, I offer no excuses, I just steadily write on…and on.

I only have little clues of what this is about…this abundance of ideas flowing from my pen.  I take a few breaks to read.  A little of Natalie Goldberg’s book Wild Mind and The Paris Wife by Paula McLain…a story of Hadley and Ernest Hemingway.  Even my reading is about writing.

Later when I leave the house, new ideas fire.  Ideas about the ideas I was having earlier.  I need to be with others just to get the Muse to shut up.  But the “others” I am with are writers and storytellers themselves.

And in the night, she visits again.  Why the persistence?  Is it because I am giving in to her?  Has she been like this all along?

Day 362 of this year-long blogging commitment…and school starts this week.  I’m transitioning into a new year, and I’m listening.  Wednesday will be my last blog.  For a while?  Forever?  I don’t know.  I don’t seem to be in charge.

Writing topic:  Giving in

The Awakening

Day 357…

Writing evening pages is giving me what I wanted…several nights of uninterrupted sleep.  Until last night.

I review the day, noting several experiences with satisfaction…more deep cleaning and decision-making as I make my way through two rooms of my accumulated past, a satisfying session at T’ai Chi, a gratefulness for a day when the temperature did not hit 100.

One thing I do not address, however, is what I will be sharing at Artist Sunday in the morning.  This is a yearly event at the Unitarian church and I had agreed to participate.   Throughout the week I refer to it in my evening pages and every morning I wake with evolving ideas.

Except for last night.  Did I know what I wanted to share?  Maybe.  Did I think the idea had “evolved” enough?  I guess so.

But in the night, between the hours of 12:23 to 3: 57, my muse wakes me up with more ideas. Needless to say, I was not happy.

Listen to this, Laura.

Be quiet.  I want to sleep.  Tell me in the morning.

No, really.  I have this great idea…

I. Want. To. Sleep.

But really.  There’s a clearer way to present your thoughts…without sounding so schoolteacherish…

Great.  Hold on to that thought and tell me later.

Don’t you see…you’re slipping in to lecture mode.

Well, duh.  I’ve been a teacher most of my life…it’s who I am.

I know.  And I respect that.  Hear me out.

On and on we went, her persistence wearing away my resistance.  Yeah, she does have a point.  Well, maybe that is a better presentation.  And then…I don’t remember anything between 4:00 and 6:00…

Writing topic: I can’t shut her up

More Breathing

Day 356…

Today I continue cleaning and organizing my house.  Originally this task was an intention I set for myself when I volunteered to host the writing group on August 17.  But now, with all my closets and drawers and boxes emptied, it has become something much bigger.  A cleansing.  A new beginning even.

I bring my breath (spirit) to it, as I sort through my past.  Old writings, half finished projects, good intentions…and Carlton’s things I haven’t yet been able to let go of.

With every bag I take to Goodwill or load I dump into the trash cart, I feel lighter.

“Let your breath do the work,” Janis says at Qigong.

I am, Janis, I am.

Writing topic:  Let your breath do the work

Evening Pages

Day 353…

After a series of restless nights, this morning I wake with a new idea.

I write morning pages to clear my mind at the beginning of the day, but this summer my mornings are ready to begin without the practice.  The nights are where the clutter now seems to accumulate.  Throughout the day I am constantly listening to conversations  and watching behaviors.  Then in the middle of the night, I wake, tossing and turning as I make room for and/or sense of this new information.

Being still and emptying my mind is not yet moving me past the chatter, and because writing meditation is a path I practice, I will pursue that.  Three pages of the day in words before I turn off the light.

Writing topic:  Now I lay me down to sleep

Cleaning Out

Day 351…

My trash cart is filled with pieces of my past and my car packed with bags for Goodwill.  I’ve been cleaning.

Writing group is meeting at my house on August 17 and I have some work ahead of me.  This house, which I made “my own” after my ex moved out and my son went to Oregon, is in need of some TLC.  It seems I haven’t entertained since the death of my son.  Yikes!  It’s about time, Laura.

When I periodically tackle rooms and stacks and closets, I am cleaning for myself, not anyone else.  Writing group will be safe.  These women are wonderfully accepting.  The judgment comes from me.  (It really always does, doesn’t it?)  All I have to do is get over it.  So yesterday when the temperature is again in the 100’s, I begin to clean.

Teachers can be packrats, accumulating stuff that might be useful in a future lesson or craft. I am obviously no exception.

Really, Laura.  Do you need all those gift bags?  Just choose a few.

That was easy.

And why do you have the controls to an electric blanket you no longer own?

I don’t know.

You have a lot of nice pieces of material.  What are your plans?

Well, at one time I was going to make another quilt.

Is that why you have all that batting?

Yep, I guess so.

What do you want to do with this stuff now?

I’ll keep some of the material.  Maybe Goodwill could use the rest.

OK, and the shoes?  The only ones I see you wear are tennis shoes and sandals.

Well, I need a couple good pair when I go into the schools.

So what about the others?


That wasn’t so bad.  Cathartic in fact.  I guess it was time.

Writing topic:  Deep cleaning