More Breathing

Day 356…

Today I continue cleaning and organizing my house.  Originally this task was an intention I set for myself when I volunteered to host the writing group on August 17.  But now, with all my closets and drawers and boxes emptied, it has become something much bigger.  A cleansing.  A new beginning even.

I bring my breath (spirit) to it, as I sort through my past.  Old writings, half finished projects, good intentions…and Carlton’s things I haven’t yet been able to let go of.

With every bag I take to Goodwill or load I dump into the trash cart, I feel lighter.

“Let your breath do the work,” Janis says at Qigong.

I am, Janis, I am.

Writing topic:  Let your breath do the work

Just Breathe

Day 355…

Writing topic:

Reflections

Day 354…

Journaling, timed writing, morning pages, writing meditation, whatever the name… it is the practice that helps me “maintain.”  But maintaining is not enough; I want more.

How do I use this practice to continue growing?  How do I connect this practice to my life experiences?  Last night I watch the process.

Wednesday writers, a writing group I began a couple years ago, now has a name and facebook page.    What was first just my  need to continue a practice with others now offers structure… a time to check in,  a specific way of choosing topics and a closing that includes intention setting.   We come for different reasons on any given Wednesday.  It might be for community, writing practice or accountability or something we can’t even name.  Some members move on and new ones join.  Venues change.  We’ve been at the church and the neighborhood library and now we move week-to-week to different members’ homes.  It’s something more than maintenance.

Then before bed I write evening pages, three pages at the end of the day hoping to ease my restless sleep pattern.  And I wake this morning rested, with a slightly different perspective and an awareness of the positive power this practice has in my life.

Writing topic:  Reflecting on our practices

Evening Pages

Day 353…

After a series of restless nights, this morning I wake with a new idea.

I write morning pages to clear my mind at the beginning of the day, but this summer my mornings are ready to begin without the practice.  The nights are where the clutter now seems to accumulate.  Throughout the day I am constantly listening to conversations  and watching behaviors.  Then in the middle of the night, I wake, tossing and turning as I make room for and/or sense of this new information.

Being still and emptying my mind is not yet moving me past the chatter, and because writing meditation is a path I practice, I will pursue that.  Three pages of the day in words before I turn off the light.

Writing topic:  Now I lay me down to sleep

Cleaning Out

Day 351…

My trash cart is filled with pieces of my past and my car packed with bags for Goodwill.  I’ve been cleaning.

Writing group is meeting at my house on August 17 and I have some work ahead of me.  This house, which I made “my own” after my ex moved out and my son went to Oregon, is in need of some TLC.  It seems I haven’t entertained since the death of my son.  Yikes!  It’s about time, Laura.

When I periodically tackle rooms and stacks and closets, I am cleaning for myself, not anyone else.  Writing group will be safe.  These women are wonderfully accepting.  The judgment comes from me.  (It really always does, doesn’t it?)  All I have to do is get over it.  So yesterday when the temperature is again in the 100’s, I begin to clean.

Teachers can be packrats, accumulating stuff that might be useful in a future lesson or craft. I am obviously no exception.

Really, Laura.  Do you need all those gift bags?  Just choose a few.

That was easy.

And why do you have the controls to an electric blanket you no longer own?

I don’t know.

You have a lot of nice pieces of material.  What are your plans?

Well, at one time I was going to make another quilt.

Is that why you have all that batting?

Yep, I guess so.

What do you want to do with this stuff now?

I’ll keep some of the material.  Maybe Goodwill could use the rest.

OK, and the shoes?  The only ones I see you wear are tennis shoes and sandals.

Well, I need a couple good pair when I go into the schools.

So what about the others?

OK, OK.

That wasn’t so bad.  Cathartic in fact.  I guess it was time.

Writing topic:  Deep cleaning

Morning Pages

Day 350…

Yes, “timed writings” has been an effective practice for me, but I was becoming too dependent on it.  It’s not easy operating in the “real” world when you have to keep running back to your notebook to check on yourself.

I needed to let go of this obsession with my own thoughts so I could focus on the children in my after school classes and my beginning teachers and their students.

I had read Julia Cameron’s The Artist Way and many of her other books, and actually “worked” her twelve week program.  It was time to take it further.

So about three years ago I made a commitment to regularly do morning pages (Three pages every morning.)  The first thing I would do every morning was head to the kitchen for a cup of coffee, stopping by the bathroom on the way.    Then I’d return to my bed with my coffee, notebook and pen and without first checking the TV, radio or computer.   For about thirty minutes I’d write…emptying the unfinished business and concerns from the day before, capturing pieces of the night’s dreams, and readying myself for the day ahead.

There were days I overslept and didn’t have time to write before I needed to be somewhere, and there were days I just didn’t have the “energy” to face the page.  But the more I honored this commitment, the better I felt.  Something was shifting.  By depositing my “self ” absorbed thoughts in my notebook, I had made room for other people.

And as I became more present to other people, I began to recognize myself in them.  I knew those fears and concerns, those passions and joys.    I had been learning to accept myself, so I could accept others.

And the journey continues.

The Spiritual Practice of Timed Writings

Day 349…

I went to my first Natalie Goldberg workshop/retreat in 2001 because I wanted to be a writer.  I had read her book, Writing Down the Bones, several years earlier, but it wasn’t until I read her book  Long Quiet Highway that I signed the teacher retirement papers, ready to explore this desire to be a writer.

Her workshops don’t teach how to edit your manuscript, get an agent, or write a query letter.  We are given suggested readings prior to the retreat and she reads to us from works that inspire her and tells a bit of her past.  We do sitting meditations and walking meditations.  And we write.  She gives us a topic and for ten minutes we write.   Without pause or editing, we push our pens past self conscious thoughts of those around us and first thoughts of the topic at hand.  Over and over we write.  Then Natalie asks if anyone would like to read.  Several read their raw, unedited ramblings and we respond with a simple thank you.  No personal reactions or critique.  No judgments.  Just a simple “thank you.”

I continue to write timed writings, using phrases or ideas spinning in my head, pieces of overheard conversations, scenarios from the day.  Writing past self-consciousness or first thoughts.  Dropping  deeper.

I realize now, ten years later, that it translates into my day-to-day interactions, moving me past personal reactions or critiques of my raw, unedited thoughts.  Past judgments of self and the “topics” around me. To acceptance.  With a simple “thank you.”

Writing topic:  Timed writings

One With the Dog

Day 348…

Princess, my ten-and-a-half-year-old dog, spends Wednesday afternoon and night continuously throwing up and pooping.  I follow her around, cleaning up messes and worrying about what should be done.

Thursday morning Princess and I spend a significant amount of the morning and 1/8 of my monthly retirement check at the vet.  I sit in the examining room, a bit concerned, wondering if this is becoming a pattern.  (She has made three visits in the last three weeks, already costing $1000.)

Thursday afternoon Princess continues to throw up and poop, but refuses to eat or drink water. Very little is being eliminated.  I cancel the rest of the day’s plans to be with her.  We stay in bed together, napping off and on.  My stomach hurts.

Thursday evening Princess eats a small piece of boiled chicken and I eat some vegetables.  I get her first pill down.  We turn in early with very little energy between us.

Thursday night Princess gets up several times wanting to go out.  I take her.  She licks a piece of ice.  I drink some water.

Early this morning Princess eats a bowl of prescription dog food and two more pills.  I have a bowl of cereal.  The elimination process has slowed.  I have several places to go today.

We’ll see.

Writing topic:  How we are connected

The Spiritual Practice of Letting Go

Day 347…

It’s been a restless night of ideas and concerns.

And?

I feel like I’m supposed to be doing something.

Like what?

I don’t know.  It just feels like I’m supposed to be doing something.

Maybe letting  go for a little while is what you could do.

But there’s so much to do.

Well, yeah, but don’t you think you’d be more effective if you were rested?

Probably.

Let go, baby girl.  It’ll be good for your spirit.

Writing topic:   Letting go

Something to Be Proud Of

Day 346…

The final project for the summer’s gardening program…the community Taste-a-Thon.   There are four tables of recipes to sample from the vegetables grown…field peas and green beans, okra and tomatoes, dill pickles, and salsa.  In the morning Joshua and DeTavion are looking for some last minute peppers.

Then, along with Brandon L., they prepare cucumbers for guests to sample in addition to the pickles they have already made.  That is DeTavion’s idea.

Brandon, Devon, and Talor set up their award winning salsa tasting table.

Guests begin arriving at 2:00.  Here Brandon H. is explaining how they made the okra and tomatoes.

The last guests to sample the community youth garden produce are the younger children in the summer program.  They listen intently knowing they might be doing this in a few years.

After the last guests leave, everyone pitches in, and within fifteen minutes the gym is cleared and the Taste-a-Thon a very pleasant memory.

Writing topic:  What I’m proud of